If immigration and customs ask, ‘I’m here to visit a band’, the more I look like a stupid, dumb groupie, the more likely they will find it amusing and get all flustered and embarrassed because they will be assuming that I am a groupie and therefore sex fiend harlot and ergo, the quicker I will get through the whole ‘Are you here on business or pleasure?’ type questioning, which is some what difficult to answer because it’s work. Although it is quite pleasurable work?!
Oh I’m terribly sorry, how rude of me! I haven’t said where I’m off to……….
L motherfucking A motherfuckers!!!!!
Indeed, life seems to have taken a rather joyful turn and I’m spending the next couple of days on the Sunset Strip in L.A at none other than the “Riot” Hyatt hotel itself. I actually want to explode with excitement.
After 11 hours of plane malarkey we are landing at LAX. Through the little window I can see L.A surrounded by mountains and a thick layer of smog sitting in the air above it. The landscapes through that window have been for the most part, tremendous the whole way there. Apart from clouds I have seen ice caps, mountains and deserts, the most breath taking views of parts of the world I’m sure I’ll never see from ground level.
I drank 7 free Jim Beams free poured, ate 2 dubious and questionable meals, worked for 5 hours till my laptop died of juice, read for about one hour and watched a movie that made me very depressed. ‘He’s just not that in to you’ or something. Jeez, why bother was how I felt after watching that. I mean, why fucking bother.
And here I am. Customs are surprisingly cool it turns out. I got some Eastern European silver fox taking my piccy, fingerprints and asking what my intentions were. He was like “so Lucy….are you going to be getting up to any mischief while you are here?” Fuck man, dude saw right through me! Ah well.
Outside John, the only original member of Earaches latest gem, White Wizzard, greets us. He seems nice enough, till he walks us to our ride. Then he is King. It is the convertible GTO from the song ‘high speed gto’, the very same one in the video. Me and Talita are suddenly carrying on like little kids bouncing about the place with glee…oooh if the kids at school could see me now stylee!
We drive through L.A, which is an odd experience cause you feel like you have been there before just cause you’ve seen so much of it in the movies. I am silent taking it all in barr the occasional eye locks with Talita as we both silent scream at each other.
The Hyatt hotel. This to me is like a temple to a monk. Do you know how many orgies, drug overdoses and deaths have happened within these walls? A lot my friends! This place is so steeped in Rock n Roll history not even the refurbished décor can hide the debauch lifestyles carried out in there. It just oozes badness. It makes you want to have unprotected sex with a stranger, have the love child, name it Flower, even though it’s a boy and move to a commune where you spend your days on Opium and teaching Flower how to crack safes, all the time waiting for some film writer to discover you and write the whole shebang up in to a blockbuster movie followed by a tell all book. I would be played by Megan Fox. Obviously.
For the time being however, we check in, with our complimentary glasses of wine and go check out our rooms. We are on this trip not only to meet the band but also to accompany a journo’ from Kerrang! Magazine, Mr nick Ruskill. Nick’s room is on the penthouse floor and one wall is a glass window looking out over downtown L.A. the bastard! It’s fucking amazing. At this point we all wonder to ourselves if perhaps the Earache boss is on crack. If so, I think we will all happily help feed his habit if this is the outcome! What a touch, we are all totally loving Earache big time! It is decided that some one has got to have sex in that room before we leave. Once in our room, which overlooks a car park, we freshen up, I get out of my ‘please upgrade me’ outfit and in to my ‘sunset strip hooker outfit’ with Iron Maiden vans and we go out for dinner. At the Rainbow. The Rainbow. Fuck yeah!
Got to be done the ol’ Rainbow right. I always knew it wouldn’t blow my mind just cause again, I’ve heard so much about it. Everyone bangs on and on about it. Plus Lemmy is in the U.K so I knew he wouldn’t be propping the bar up. It was cool, we got a massive pizza and shared it, also very cool being my first of many American food musts on the list. No wonder these people have a massive obesity problem, the food is ridiculous.
It is my opinion that free pouring is the way forward and probably the answer to peace on earth. When I ask for a Jack and coke, I feel very happy and warm inside upon discovering that what I am given is a triple Jack and coke. Mainly cause I am automatically drunk. Blissful times at the Rainbow. More of the band join us, the singer Wyatt and guitarist Eric and we all move to the outside bar area to drink more and smoke before we hit the karaoke upstairs.
Karaoke never happened. I’ll tell you what did happen. Fucking jetlag happened. What the fuck? One minute I’m taking it all in, chatting with the band and bar staff and the next…. The next minute I’m floored. I tried a Jager bomb, I tried a coffee, and nothing was even denting the flood of exhaustion that had washed over me. How incredibly fucking gay.
Needless to say we hit the road back to the hotel where everyone can continue partying while my bullshit self sleeps. I am with Eric and John, who stop off at a convenience store so we can buy booze and fags, another exciting experience for my unashamedly tourist arse. Even that was fun.
I buy a $10 Jack and coke at the hotel bar and we all trundle on up to mine and Talita’s room, who has gone AWOL. Soon enough we find her, passed out cold on her bed. That bloody over priced drink didn’t even get finished before the boys all got shifted out to Nicks room and us girls fell deep in to la LA land. What a fucking great place to be!