Thursday, 24 June 2010

Evile Infecting Nations 2010 tour. Kerkrade.

I remember the first time I watched Spinal Tap. I was really young and my brother was laughing all the way through it and so I laughed when he laughed ‘cause I didn’t get any of it. In fact it bored the shit out of me. I was super young and had no knowledge of music and bands and the comedy was too grown up for me to understand. Tonight we lived through our own Spinal Tap night and this time I got it. What a funny, fucked up, fucking night!

I wake up literally at load in time, I am dying inside with hangover and dehydration. Living in this bus means I am living with 16 men, cramped conditions for one long arsed stretch of time. So first things first when you wake up after a particularly laree night of debauchery, apologies for being noisy to everyone. Urgh. Repeat to self, you not in the band, you are with the band. Turns out no one heard me or gave two shits and there were a few others feeling pretty ropey too! Win!

The venue fed us the most delicious Chinese, which I had to eat slowly over the course of the night what with my body being in such a wrecked state and all. It was mighty pissed at me and I didn’t trust it to not get me back for abusing it so mightily last night. The staff were fucking cool as cool can be, what with getting to be born and raised in Holland. The Dutch are all cool as cool can be, I’m totally proud to be a half breed of them!

I chop up the Fading’s new T-Shirt they got, a classic white with thrash illustration on the front which goes some way in cheering me up. Until I have to leg it to the toilet to get some privacy while I get bitch slapped every which way but Sunday by my angry insides. Me and my insides have officially fallen out, they can’t look at me they’re too angry. Oops.

My tiny little merch area in this tiny little venue gets set up very slowly and quietly and feeling really ill, I do myself up in an attempt to not look as bad as I feel. Blow-drying your hair upside down is not good times when you’re hung over. Got that shit down, being the pro that I am and get back to the stand as the doors open.

Nothing happens. No one walks in. I’m in place, the barman is in place, the ticket lady is in place. Nothing. Half and hour later. Two people. Everyone is looking at each other with their mouths and eyes open wide in a ‘wtf’ expression, slight bewilderment and humour. I say everyone; I mean the handful that was there.

Funny thing is, the Fading guys, who are about to go on, watched Spinal Tap for the first time last night, and now here we are, smack bang in the middle of our own Spinal Tap moment. You have to laugh man, it was fucking ridiculous. Of course we are stressed about the obvious lack of money that will get earned tonight but it’s still really fucking funny.

The Fading start their set like true professionals minus the bouts of laughter and sniggering come from them throughout, especially when Ilia asks the crowd to pump their fists in the air, he cracks up as all, I don’t know, six of us, start pumping our fists and shouting in time with him.

I take the time to look through our Tour Itinerary book, which we have now received and everyone has been having a chuckle at. I can see why, our European booking agent has had a field day writing it! The ‘Rules’ page is off the fucking hook. It covers stealing each other’s riders and therefore asking for a war that he will not believe, “Do not tease the animals”. Stuff about not attempting to bring illegal substances across the national borders. That if you bring girls on the bus, they must have I.D and “Dr Lyall George” must give them a “venereal health check” first! Ha! Awesome.

So we can smoke in here, even when the doors are open?! Although you would think that this fucking rules big time, it actually kinda doesn’t. See, I can’t enjoy my smokes ‘cause I keep thinking I’m going to get told off for smoking inside. Plus the smell is over whelming. It’s getting in my clothes and my hair, and all the merch stock. God I sound like a non-smoker, but England has programmed me in to hating smoking in doors. And it only gets worse ‘cause you get used to it, so that when we hit a venue that we can’t smoke in, it’s like cold turkey all over again. Urgh, long.

Ilia’s voice is amazing, I mean I actually get to watch their whole set through, with no interruptions and the Fading are awesome. Not really thrash, more melodic death metal. They put on a great stage show. Elad the bassist walks straight off stage while playing and comes over to me and says Hi! Silly beggar, it really is that empty! We are all in stitches at this point. Ilia interacts with the whole band, bounding around the stage between members, hitting the symbols with his mic, getting Arie, one of the guitarists to shout some of the lyrics. The Fading play a really strong set, and there are now just over 20 people. It is a credit to a band when they play their hearts out to A. An audience that is less than 12. And B, to an audience that is totally non-committal and just stands there starring.

Man I feel ill. Warbringer come on stage to between 30 -40 people, and The Fading come past me on their way to get stoned. They all seem in good spirits and joke with me on the way past.
John Laux is straight on to the floor with the audience from the get go, the guy in a wheel chair in front of him is getting the full might of Laux’s guitar shredding solos right up in his face, Laux windmills and head bangs his way through the songs as back up on stage, Kevill introduces the next song ‘Living in a whirlwind’. I fucking love this song, its rhythm section is awesomely tight and intense and I’m fucking loving it. Warbringer are so contagious to watch. Sometimes, Kevill reminds me of a young Mike Pattern on speed. He is truly a righteous front man.

The Spinal Tap qualities of the night continue to unfold around us as, a group of four normal looking girls make their way to the front, to the stage and just start dancing like they are at a school disco. Nic spots them from behind the drums and starts laughing. Kevill looks bemused but carries on and Adam does a double take when he comes up from under his long head banging hair for air. Lyall and me are pissing ourselves, the Evile guys are at the side of the stage pissing themselves, and as soon as the Fading come back and spot them, they are too.
Finally, some one comes and buys something! This fella with a strong American accent and a short, back and sides. Army!? Sure enough , he is Army Police, based up the road and loves Thrash. I introduce him to Kevill, who has just rocked up to the stand having finished his set. The dude was up the front the whole time rocking out. Random meetings of random people on tour fucking rules, other peoples lives are so interesting to pass through I think.

The normal girls have been discovered by the Fading and are in the process of being chatted up. Apparently Laux put them on the guest list? All the guys are taking the piss out of them so much I think he is slightly embarrassed and seems to make himself scarce somewhat! Adam comes to hang with me and bum a smoke, he reckons he only managed 2 of his 8 solos ‘cause he was too stoned and played shit. I’m not musically educated enough to have noticed and tell him so, whatev’s’ eh.

Just as I dash of to the toilet, again, I notice The Fading’s guitarist Paul taking some normal girls up in to the bus. When I get back I give Lyall the heads up and he marches over there and turfs them all off. Too many personal items on that bus to be having groupies on it that no one knows. To the dressing rooms instead. Bless! Lyall and me suspect we have a case of the ‘tom tits’ which doesn’t bode well for bus call, which is creeping up fast.

Evile have the biggest audience, ooh 40 maybe?! The mix of music played over the speakers between sets is bizarre to say the least. Melodic death metal tracks followed ‘My Sherona’ followed by Volbeat? The merch sales are quite expectedly utter shit, Wrexham 2 for sure. I pack up, we load out and I hang out with Matt at the front of the bus.

Just to top this shit but amusingly shit day off, I watch the crystal Skull with some of the others. Laux can’t watch it again, apparently it’s so bad he had to go out and get wrecked after watching it when it came out. 15 minutes in I can see what he means. God it really is shit. I want that bloke who did the Phantom Menace reviews on You tube to do one on this, he might explode with frustration at it’s shitness having said that and be unable to complete a full critique.

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